I guess I left out the "
I LOOK" part but it is exactly how I feel I look sporting this distended stomach. To someone who is just starting to work out, I make look not bad at all! But just note, I can have 10 lbs of weight to lose in my rear, leg, sides and back but normally only a few to lose in my mid section. I don't normally get 'bloated'. So for MY tummy to look this size, something is dramatically wrong. Yea, sounds so great until I turn around to the back of my legs...that is another blog entirely. Keep in mind also, I KNOW how to pose to look my best. I took a few slouched pictures, and they horrified me. I mean just straight up horrible! I have b*lls...but common sense or ego one of the two overruled the decision to post those! For now, I think here are a few reasons why I may have an issue:
1. I haven't trained really since before the Olympia.
2. I went to India and I am quite sure I have a sea urchin that lives in my stomach. I am making an appointment with the G I doctor tomorrow to find out what is wrong with me.
3. I have been eating nonstop and couldn't care less. That is what the rest of this blog is about.
Over the past few months I have really thought about my role when I speak to others regarding life issues. I rarely speak about regular training methods. And though I know how to reshape bodies completely, I believe my gift is to help rebuild lives by being a living example. Through honest self appraisal, honesty about my truth and sharing with others is the way I am able to connect with others. If you have followed my journey or even if you have not, the fact is that my life has been filled with some challenges along the way. I have overcome many of them and I am in fact a survivor in the purest sense of the word. I have extreme trust issues most likely as a resulting from growing up with the emotional trauma caused by the physical abandonment of one parent and the emotional abandonment of the other. This feeling of loss was compounded when my only sibling left me to live at our grandmothers when I was very young. I dealt with immense confusion, chaos and loneliness. These issues I believe were for the most part the reason I started using drugs and alcohol as a way to not feel what I was feeling and I was able to fly emotionally below the radar. Additionally, as I have mentioned in a previous blog, I have battled debilitating depression that has been a struggle to manage me for over 20 years. I mention these facts not for sympathy as I know there are many that have endured much worse than I have. I share my life with you so that through my story you may see your own. The issues may be different, but the feelings may be very much the same. We all have events that happened in our lives that have molded and shaped who we are today. I believe that because I found some thread of internal strength when I was at my weakest is what made me the resilient woman that I am today. I have clawed my way up from the depths of my own personal darkness and made something of my life, and I am not even close to being finished. It is when I am in the most pain is when I dig the deepest. I know the feeling of turning the corner and finding happiness from within and from doing the things that make me feel good about myself. Getting in impeccable shape is one of those things. And being promoted worldwide by Gaspari is the way that I was most likely able to reach you. My connection to you is my chance to make a difference in your life. Not just because I can get lean, anyone can. But by sharing my truth I can help others to take a chance on themselves too. Even if it feels impossible and the hardest thing to do.
The decision to stop drinking and using drugs was not very easy for me. And I have not had a drink in over 8 years. I fought my depression and continue to read daily which helps me become a healthier version of myself every day. I am fighting the depression with medication and have been doing well professionally.
To move to the next level in my life, to be a coach in life, I think it is fair to be very honest with you. I have decided to share this next bit of my life so that you know that the "girl with the abs" is real, much more real than one snapshot that captures just one moment in time.
As most of you know by now, I am recently out of a very important relationship in my life. It is a fact of life that all of us experience heartache. Sometimes that kind of hurt can take months to get over. I know it is called 'heartbreak' because the pain is so strong it hurts physically. This is what I was feeling and going through right before your eyes in a very public arena. I actually moved out of my place 10 days before the biggest competition of my career the 2011 Olympia. In order to keep the diet and training together I held on as if my life depended on it. To me it was life or death. That is how much I wanted to be my best at the Olympia. I suffered privately and only a handful of very close friends and family knew of my struggles. Directly after the Olympia I went to India to compete in my last show of the year and I got extremely ill within a day of arriving. I was violently ill and sweating my way through prejudging and just counted the minutes until I reached the finish line in my mind of the finals that following night. I held on like a man grasping of a tiny branch as he hung from the side of a mountain in order to save his life. After that show, I just let go and all of that pain catapulted me into that dark place. I got home and couldn't even move or get through the day without crying. I knew it would hurt, that I had to walk through it and I also knew that time could and would mend me.
I made a decision then that I had to take time off from contest prep. I had been competing so much and I in no way would be able to emotionally handle the rigors of competition prep. I decided to skip all shows until next year's Olympia since I was already qualified.
The month of October I didn't even walk into a gym, and my only source of comfort was food. I didn't care about anything but surviving. Cake, cookies, sushi, hotdogs, Mexican food, pasta......anything, everything and a lot of it. In November I traveled most of the month and I may be trained 4 times total. The last two months was just about trying to put my life back together and figure out what I was going to do next. Competing was not on that list.
This brings me all the way through Thanksgiving and to today. I am happy to let you know that I have turned the corner, and as of 2 days ago I have decided that I would like to ask for an invite to the Ms. Figure International. The second that decision was made, I found a renewed desire and purpose in my life.
The road back physically is going to take some work. And currently, things are not pretty! loll That is also a part of my 'truth' and if you have found yourself on the other side of life's lessons, you know exactly what this looks like. Well you know how YOU look I suppose. This leaves me with the decision to show you MY before picture.
Now anyone who knows me know or has met me knows I like to be put together as much as possible for appearances, competitions, and photo shoots. My online pictures are well picked and professionally edited. This is how attentive I am to detail and my public image. What I am about to share with you is where any one of us can end up after life happens. Through this venerability I also find renewed strength. As with every time in my past, it is always the darkest before the light and it feels like it is about 4 AM finding comfort in the fact that the sun will rise again in a few hours. It sure beats the distance and darkness of midnight. Every day I get a bit closer to my sunshine. The light of day will come after every workout, healthy meal, and cardio session over the upcoming weeks.
The happiness is alive in my heart, and I am ready to get back to work. Build Yourself.
DAY 1 NOVEMBER 28, 2011.
